A Constant Horizon
by southern cross
Summary: It was time to see clearly again. It was time to let go. There was a new day fast approaching. Spoiler warning. Post S2 cliffhanger. Oh, and it's Kessi.
1. Chapter 1

On impulse I decided that I really needed a Kessi fix. Pretty tame but they were speaking to me and I had to listen. There are spoilers for everything up through the S2 cliffie, so you are warned! I would love to hear anything, good or bad, concerning the story, so please review.

I own nothing and mean no harm. Please enjoy.

* * *

As quickly as he had found her, touched her hand, he had lost her.

"She might come back," the voice was not an unwelcome intrusion. Over the days past, days that turned into weeks, Jessi had become a constant. His constant.

"Maybe," he knew it was a lie as soon as he spoke the word, no not a lie, not from his lips. A false hope.

"Do you blame her?" For all her progress Jessi still had not mastered the social art of tact, but the question was a valid one, did he blame Amanda for leaving? Did he feel frustration over her absolute lack of protest when her Mother,

frantic as she had been during her daughter's disappearance, had begun to make plans to move as far away from anyone and anything that might connect his life to Amanda's.

No, of course not, he understood. And yet he stood still, the words not slipping from his lips, Jessi didn't press, she let him stew in his thoughts. She had learned that his words came out freely when she didn't push so hard, she had in fact, learned quite a bit about him.

Enough it seemed to ask the one question that he could not easily answer. A part of him was chiding him for even considering the notion, how on Earth could he blame her for anything? She was Amanda, sweet, innocent, perfect Amanda and she was blameless in all things.

"I shouldn't."

Frowning, he didn't remember when his description of her had turned so, so saccharine. She deserved no blame for the situation she had found herself in, of that no part of him could argue, but he, and all of those who had cared for her, had gone through extraordinary lengths to get her back safe and sound, and there had been nothing more than a routine thanks.

Nothing.

It irked him. Not even so much for himself, the guilt he felt over her initial disappearance tempering his reaction to her lack of gratitude, but her attitude towards everyone else rubbed him raw.

"I could."

Especially the disdain in her eyes when they had first settled on Jessi. Had she really thought Kyle would not have needed and asked for every one's aid in her safe recovery? Had she really thought Jessi would abandon him?

"I might."

It had never occurred to him that Jessi might not have helped, might have continued to walk away with Sarah, no, he had never doubted her commitment, her sincerity, and hadn't she proven invaluable to himself, to the Tragers?

"It's OK if you don't know, emotions have a way of confusing you," it was still unsettling to hear words of comfort and support coming from Jessi, most especially when they were accurate.

They stood side by side now, once again on the roof of the gym, their place, who knew they would ever get to a point where they would have a place. Many nights, when prospects had been slim and the results frustrating, he had made his way here to clear his head, only to find his solitude interrupted by Jessi. Over time her presence became less intrusive, more, well, more.

So now Amanda was gone, safely, but for good. And this time there would be no secret calls, no slip aways from the airports, she had said good-bye. It ached, that small place in his heart, when he thought about not seeing her, not knowing how she was or what she was doing.

But it didn't hurt like he thought it would.

Maybe the hurt was all bled out of him, those weeks that she had been missing, God he had such pain in him, and put simply the pain of now, it paled in comparison. Everything paled now, it was as though he had lived on heightened senses for so long that everything, sight, sound, thoughts even, had dimmed.

The wind picked up, bringing to him a relief from the heat of the evening, and a surprising tangle of Jessi's unbound hair.

"Sorry," her laugh was low, he wondered why it was that her voice was so raw, as though speaking for her was painful. So much about Jessi at times seemed painful. Looking over at her, seeing the dark circles under her eyes, he felt an unexpected pang of regret. He had pushed himself to inhuman lengths, lengths only one other person could keep up with.

And she had. Every moment of every day it seemed, Jessi had been there, all the pain he suffered she had as well; all the pain he had inflicted, she had born without complaint.

And there had not been thanks, not enough, he didn't know when it would be, but what had been was no where near enough.

"You know I couldn't have done this without you," his sudden change in thought startled her, the red of her cheeks giving her away.

Turning towards her more fully, he smiled when she ducked her head, avoiding his eyes, "I mean it," his smile deepened to dimple proportions, "Thank you."

It was still so strange to see this side of her, the shy, passive Jessi that he wasn't quite sure what to do with.

"It's no big deal," but it was, "had nothing else going on," but she did, and her shrug of indifference just wasn't going to cut it this time.

After his frantic calls she had appeared, calm and collected and had taken control of the situation, asking the right questions, giving the smarter answers. One night had turned into a day, and then the weekend was over, and it dawned on him that she was still there.

A whispered question and Declan had revealed that her plans to move away with Sarah had been post-poned, indefinitely, and it was only now that he was finally understanding what she had done; what she had given up for Amanda, no, for him.

"It was a big deal," his hands moved to her arms, taking hold of them gently, "it is."

It is, it was, and then she was looking at him, and he was seeing, really seeing. It happened so fast, so quickly that he gasped, the link blazed between them, and he was her and she was him, it was there. Every thought, every emotion, all jumbled together since that first call. Her rush of concern, for him, always him. Each time he yelled (at her), every time he had pushed (away from her), it had been a stab in heart, and he nearly crumbled now under the weight of it.

Having nowhere else to go he collapsed into her, arms wrapping around her automatically, the things he hadn't seen, hadn't known. He let it wash over him, feeling everything she felt, and the enormity of it humbled him.

"Jessi," his voice choked on the tears gathering in his eyes, slowly the connection faded, but he didn't let her go, no, he held tighter.

What a fool he had been, through her he had seen things so very differently, the way he treated her, treated the other people he had loved, he had amends to make. Even though they understood, knew that his attitude, his actions, were out of concern for someone he cared about, he had hurt those around him and he needed to make things right.

Starting with the one he had hurt the most.

"I couldn't have done it without you," the words would have been lost to anyone else, but she was Jessi and he knew she had heard, could feel the acceleration of her heartbeat, could feel the hands on his back curl and fist into his shirt.

"I wouldn't have made it without you," and no sooner had he spoken then the words did two things happen at once, he knew instantly, and with absolute clarity that he would have suffered, he had pushed so hard, so fast that he would not be as whole and healthy as he was had Jessi not been there to reign him in; second, the first of her sobs burst out of her and tore through him.

"Oh, God, I, I was so worried," her tears, her words began to flow, "you were hurting and each day, each day it was worse, and I couldn't, there wasn't."

Shushing, soothing as best he could, the only way he knew how, he crushed her in his arms, hoping the contact, the strength would ease away the pain.

"I'm here, now, I'm fine," he was, "and it's because of you."

Pulling away just enough that he could see her face, read her eyes, he cupped her cheeks gently between his hands, "I made it through because of you and you can't ever, ever forget that."

He wouldn't, couldn't, let go of what she had done for him.

"I was scared," that she could voice the fear to him, the armored wall she put around herself cracking enough to let it slip, took away his breath, "I know."

Bringing her back in close, he pressed a kiss to her temple and struggled to find the words to make it better, "Lori said you were going to come through, though, she told me have faith, to hold on, and I tried."

Count on Lori to come up with the words he had not been able to find.

"You never let me down, you kept me grounded," his constant, "and I'm, we're," more we from on, "are going to be good."

Good, great, better; there was life all around him. New and clear he could see the world, hear the night swelling and things were brighter and clearer than they had ever been. In the back of his mind, in the furthest reaches he knew that there was something coming; something terrifying, something monumental. Two things, separate, yet, connected; but that was for then.

"Are we?"

There were eyes, full, dark, curious, frightened, and oh so familiar looking up at him.

Smiling, deeply, truly, for her, "We are."

Her tears dried, their hands lingered, he wasn't ready to break the connection, didn't know if he would ever want to, but again he wasn't ready for that train of thought.

"What happens now?"

Again and again she asked the difficult ones.

"I don't know," he looked down at her hand, curled ever so protectively over his arm, "but have a little faith. We are the two smartest people around, he nudged her shoulder with his own, "We'll figure it out."

And he was certain that together, only-maybe-now, ever together, would they.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow. I am thrilled by the wonderful reviews and comments I have received regarding this story. Thank you so much for your encouragement and good cheer. They were instrumental in getting this chapter out, so keep the reviews coming!

I hope you like this next part and as usual I own nothing and mean no harm. please enjoy and review!

* * *

The lazy, hazy day was incredibly deceiving.

Kids were running, free, fun, and full of sun. Adults were lagging, lacking the never ending jolts of energy inherent in all under twelve, but most were just as unconcerned as to the life beyond their own.

Yes, it was beautiful, he knew that it was a lovely day, a perfect summer day, but that was all. He could know it, yes, but today he could not feel it.

"You know if you were any more down in the dumps, you might bump into me," the unexpected jab of an elbow whooshed all the air out of his lungs.

Shrugging, he rubbed the spot where her elbow had made contact. He might have been annoyed, had Lori not been right, he was moping, he was dragging and he was busted.

"It might not be so bad a place, you seem to like it there a lot lately," his voice held no malice, but the barb still stung. He could see the prick of it in her eyes, and immediately opened his mouth to utter an apology, when her hand rose to wave it off.

"No, no, you're right, I have been little miss anti-sunshine these days," he knew she had been dealing with a lot lately, too much, Mark's betrayal, Declan's injury, "but let's not talk about me, let's talk about you."

The dead on Hillary impersonation made him smile, "Don't know what there is to talk about."

And wasn't that the truth, the past couple of days his mind had been scattered, unfocused and as such he had found himself 'in the dumps' without a clue as to why he was in there or how to get out.

"Hmm," he sighed, Lori had her determined face on, the one that he was pretty sure meant she wasn't going to take that as a satisfactory answer, "Oh, I think there is plenty to talk to about."

Right on the money.

"Lori," "Kyle," she wasn't budging, no more than the kids that had surrounded the ice cream cart, no, she wasn't giving up until she got her ice cream either, he shrugged again, conceding defeat.

"I don't know what's wrong, I'm just, just out of sorts," he couldn't find any better words for it, but she seemed to understand, her smile was soft, her look understanding.

Her attention turned from him, out towards the park, with its shiny faces and happy smiles, "You don't think it has anything to do with a certain vacationing someone."

The words were soft, unsure, as though she were afraid to speak them, and Lori was never, ever afraid to use her words. The words turned his thoughts towards the suggestion. Could the source of his bad mood really be connected to Jessi? Would her leaving for the week prompt the downward spiral of his emotions?

"You miss her," it wasn't a question and he had no impulse to contradict it, "but that's to be expected, I miss her too," this didn't surprise him as much as it would have before the summer months started. Lori and Jessi had gotten close, during those mad weeks they had depended on one other, passed strength back and forth and forward into him.

So caught up in the thought he almost missed the touch of her hand on his arm, the whisper of words when she had his attention, "What's got you tangled up is that you miss her a lot."

A lot.

_A lot._

What did a lot mean? What could it mean?

"It's OK you know," maybe Lori knew, after all she was smiling at him again, the slight understanding in her eyes blossomed into full blown knowing, when he didn't reply, and how could he when he really didn't understand she took pity on him.

With a pat on the arm, she laughed softly, "You and Jessi have been dancing around this thing for a long time," if only he knew what thing she spoke about, "but I told her to be patient, with a little understanding and faith I knew you would come around."

Genuinely puzzled his brow scrunched up in confusion, "Come around to what?"

Lori studied him, he knew she was waiting for something, he felt the heavy gaze of her assessment, having decided she shook her head, bewildered, "Wow, you are really clueless aren't you?"

It wasn't the first time he had missed out on something obvious, over and over he turned it, trying to look at it from different angles, and came up with, nothing.

"God, Kyle, how can you not see it? You are feeling sad and blue because Jessi is gone for a week and you miss her, and not in a Declan is going to be training at UDub for the week miss, but a 'I can't see her for a week and what if she needs me and I can't be there and someone else might be' kinda way."

A rush of words, a mountain of implications, and he took seconds to absorb them, until finally, "Wait, you think I like Jessi? Like 'like' her."

Her laugh was open, he hadn't realized how much he missed it until hearing it just now, "No silly, I know you like her, and see now you do too," his jaw was near to his chin, and she smirked back at him, "I see my work here is done."

With a pat on the shoulder she moved past him and on towards the ice cream stand, leaving to gape after, the implication, the realization rolling over him.

* * *

Time was up.

There had been the meeting with Foss that had taken up an hour, the people that had taken Amanda, that had been quiet since they had gotten her back, well, they were making their presence felt. There were shadows where there shouldn't be, whispers where there couldn't be, it was a tingle that Kyle couldn't shake and Foss was working a new angle. One that would put some names and faces to the whispers and shadows.

Visiting hours at the hospital were only until eight and he had stayed with Declan until they had asked him kindly, but firmly, to leave. One last hurrah from the enemy, they had taken a potshot at Declan, nailing him with a car no one had seen or been able to recover. There was no concrete proof that it was even the same people that had taken Amanda, that had turned Mark, but Kyle knew, could feel their intent, and that had been enough to convince everyone else.

The healing was slow, but Declan had a positive attitude, "The time laid up is just gonna make my ankles stronger. UDub won't be able to say no then."

He was grateful for the positive outlook, he wasn't sure if he could have found one for himself even if he looked really, really hard.

So now all the distractions had done their distracting and he was back home, back in his room, his tub, and there was nothing left to look at but what Lori had shown him.

The truth.

The words that had pushed thoughts into focus that he had never dreamed of.

He could like Jessi, no, frowning, he readjusted his spine until it curved just so against the tub, that wasn't true, he did like her, but there was the potential that he could in fact, _like _her. And that was where he lost the plot.

Amanda had been the one, from the very beginning it had been her, Kyle liked Amanda, and that was that. only it wasn't that anymore. Kyle really didn't like Amanda anymore and maybe he likes Jessi now and then that would make it Kyle likes Jessi.

Wow.

Kyle likes Jessi.

_Kyle likes Jessi._

The beginning of it began to creep in, the idea of 'Kyle liked Jessi' began to take root, and it grew.

"Kyle likes Jessi," that didn't sound right, "I like Jessi," ownership was good, it was right, it was more personal.

"I like her," and then it was a warm thing, a warm thought that crept over him and into him, filling in all the empty spaces that had been missing since the night after the dance.

That night, after the shock had worn off, and the reality had set in, Amanda was gone, the world he had known had fractured, and the pieces of him he knew so well weren't familiar anymore, they were empty things.

Well they were righting themselves again.

"I like her," and then she was there, everywhere, his mind zipped through the memories, Jessi laughing, smiling, running, fighting, crying; he had it all.

But it was hollow.

A memory, a metal picture that was cold, he needed the warmth again, the texture.

Rising he made his way to the desk and cleared it off with a strong sweep of his arm, not caring about the research and the potential clues; no he needed this more, had to do this.

With single minded devotion he began, seconds turned into minutes, the steady pounding of the small stick of oil, a comfort, a guide. The minutes turned into an hour and the warmth was back, he could see what he doing, could feel what he was making, and it was right, it was good, and he felt more like Kyle in that moment than he had in days.

Dropping the small stub of blue he lifted the paper, mindful of his dirty finger, it wouldn't do to smudge the work, Jessi smiled back at him, a watery, heart broken thing, but it had been for him. It was a look of relief, of hope, and it was his. She had come to him on the roof the gym, offering comfort and support, and in the end she had given him so much more. So it was that moment, that split second that he had known that she was so very much more than he had ever imagined that he had chosen.

Pinning the picture up he took a step back and admired his handiwork.

Everyone was bound to see it, it wasn't as though his room was off limits by any means, which meant that she would know, Jessi would know that he liked her. There was only one other face he had hung on that particular piece of cork board and that one had been packed away what seemed a lifetime ago.

No, he would leave it here, wait for the fallout, he could handle it, after all he was Kyle, whiz kid, tube boy, and he liked Jessi. Let tomorrow bring its worst, he was strong enough to face it.


	3. Chapter 3

I must apologize that this chapter has taken so long in coming. A combination of crazy RL and a slight block on where this was going made the update harder to come by. I hope that this is not a disappointment, the change of perspective was unplanned but welcome. The feedback has been tremendous and I thank each of you so very much, it is truly your kind words that have pushed me to keep this going. Please enjoy the chapter and review review review! Sara

* * *

There wasn't much she couldn't do.

Running; please.

Jumping; ha.

Self-healing; no big.

Understanding this? Fully and totally coming to terms with what she was seeing? She was lost.

Today had been just another day in her life. Perhaps it had been a little warmer than normal, but really there had been nothing spread through out the morning to indicate such a turn of events was imminent. There should be warnings for such things. Signs from the universe at large that such a startling change was coming.

Before she could find the beginning of the place where she might start to come to terms with things, she felt it.

The strong and steady beat, an echo as foreign and familiar as her own smile.

He was close, the front steps already, and she wasn't ready.

Would she ever be, she didn't know, she wanted to think, wanted to be able to understand, but he was in the house now and she couldn't move.

She knew he knew she was there and she didn't have it in her to run, but then she wasn't sure she had it in her to stay, to learn, to know.

Lori could help her, the idea would perhaps not seem so out of sorts if it came from her, but he was closer, right outside the door, and there wouldn't be an easy way to get upstairs to Lori (out the window and a strong leap to the second story would work) but the door was opening (and she was wringing her hands and that was bad and she couldn't turn around not yet not yet not yet), "Hey."

That voice. His voice. She loved his voice. Everything that he was feeling just poured out through his voice, a laugh, a smile, a cry, it was just there. And now it was here.

"Hey," there she had found her voice and that was something. Turning around would be the next step, facing him would come in time, if he was nice (and he really really was) he would just stay right there, away, and let her be here and then it would happen gradually and, "What is this?"

Spinning around, her finger a pointing accusation, and she wasn't sure why it had happened, but she was seeing him and he was staring at her, and where had her self-control gone?

Oh, how unfair was that smile? That perfect, shining, blazing smile, and he was giving it to her and he never gave it to anyone anymore but he there he was and there it was, and she briefly wondered if someone had slipped back into town when she wasn't looking because that was the last time she had seen that particular smile. The rambling needed to end; now.

"It's you," he took a step closer, she took one back, closer to the picture, further from him, if it bothered him it didn't show. The smile didn't falter.

And wait, she knew it was her, "I can see that," maybe she should be more clear, "why is it here?"

She hadn't thought it was physically possible for his smile to widen, but it did. He was impossibly close, she could see the fine lines around his eyes, eyes bluer and brighter than she had ever recalled them being.

"Jessi," well that was a whole lot of wow, she wasn't quite sure what to do with that sweet, soft voice, "why do you think it is here?"

A question, now that wasn't fair. She could barely acknowledge her own name, how on earth could he expect her to answer a question, that question. But he did and he had and he was waiting and she was already beginning to churn through various and sundry options. The why why why that had been buzzing in her head since she had slipped into his room and seen the picture hanging there was begging for answers.

The scene he had created (and it was a fascinating thing, Kyle's dot art, she had tried it once but it hadn't felt right, she much preferred the firm feel of a brush in her hand) she remembered well. They had been on roof of the gym, another moment between them, one that she had cherished, had replayed every second of the encounter, had commited it to memory. That he had even remembered the night, much less in such detail, left her stunned.

But that wasn't the answer to the why, why was the picture of her there, there where the other picture had hung. A special place, one that had meaning, one that the other members of the Trager family would have seen and then they would have know that someone else had taken over the special place.

Kyle's special place.

A special place for Kyle to put special people.

A place that she was now occupying.

It hit, hard and fast, and she was overwhelmed, nearly swayed under the weight of the thought, "Oh my God," and she shouldn't have looked at him, but she couldn't not.

Lost, her head was spinning, and then it happened, the first touch, the warm feel of his hands slipping across her cheeks, his thumbs whispered against her jaw and the breath whooshed out of her. This was a real moment, so achingly present that it hurt, but the pain slid into pleasure the second he pulled her against him.

A hug.

The tightest, strongest, most wonderful thing ever ever ever.

Maybe she didn't need to think it out, maybe it was OK that she was on the wall and in his arms, and that was just how it was meant to be, and really why would she complain, why would she ever want to be any where else.

She would, no, could, do this. Wrapping her arms tightly around him, her face snuggling (she had only ever imagined that a snuggle would feel so good) into his neck, her words seeped into his skin, "I can do this."

His laugh lifted her heart, dried the tears that hadn't fallen, "Yes, but no, we can do this."

Laughing, a throaty thing, full of all the things she wanted, but couldn't yet say, she nodded.

Yes they could do this.

Together they could do anything.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello there readers. I really thought this was going to go in another direction but once I began writing well this sort of took over. I hope you all enjoy the next installment and please let me know what you think. Reviews are great. Love them. I own nothing and mean no harm.

* * *

There had been one afternoon that remained clear in her memories. One set of hours that she circled back too when things, circumstances, were just to hard, and she would recall the feelings of that time and the ache would ease. This moment was one of those times when she needed the memories.

_"What are you doing?"_

She had not looked up from the papers spread across the dining room table, her interest had been piqued when the lady on the TV had been extolling the virtues of scrap booking, and now she was wrist deep in cutouts and paste.

"I'm scrap booking."

It didn't bother her that he stood over her shoulder, silently observing her work, "I remember that."

He had pointed to a picture someone had snapped of him and Declan playing one on one, "I won."

The joy in his voice, at either the win or simply the memory, made her smile, and for the first time since her return from the craft store her hands stilled.

"I bet you are a great ball player," she supposed he was an excellent player, at that and more sports, she would be too then, but they had never talked about it and she had never thought to try out something so frivolous. When he sat down next to her, close enough that their bare arms touched, she felt herself leaning closer towards him. He smelled like soap and candy, a very Kyle mix.

"Look there's us," us, a term she was still getting used to hearing when referring to them. Kyle and Jessi, them, they, we, a couple. Before she could get lost in the panic of them she gave herself a mental shake and reached for the photo.

"It was the afternoon of the fair," the Tragers had taken them all to the Fair, a celebration of Declan's release from the hospital, and the first time they had held hands in public. So much for moving away from the topic. But that was the day she thought he might kiss her for the first time, had thought about it, obsessed over it, and waited. There had been the hand holding and the there had been hugs, but no kissing and she had wondered then as she did now what exactly that meant. She studied his profile, but there was nothing in the familiar lines that spoke to an answer. He was sifting through the photos now, commenting on the ones that stood out, interjecting when he thought she might not know thesignificance of an event, and she sat and listened and memorized every word even if she wasn't processing them right away, she could do that later.

"Are you my boyfriend?" The question had blurted out so suddenly, it surprised herself as much as it had him, blushing to the tips of her ears, she looked away the second he looked towards her. Why oh why had her mouth gone and ruined the moment? Her discomfort had only grown when he had not replied right away, andembarrassment had blossomed into downright awkwardness.

"I guess Lori was right," of the all the things, looking up at him sharply, she was taken aback by the soft smile he had for her, "we really should have made things abundantly clear I think is how she put it." He had talked to Lori about this? Made sense, really, she should have done the same.

"Jessi," all trace of amusement had left his voice, and it was the soft and serious Kyle voice that said her name and she melted a little, a lot, and took an extra secondbefore looking over to meet his eyes.

"I want that, if you want it, I want to be your boyfriend, and have you for my girlfriend, and we can have an anniversary and everything," his eyes were bright and excited and she could hardly believe it wasbecause of her, she wasn't sure she would ever get used to that, "but is that what you want?"

Um, right, so much for boy genius, "Yes, yeah, I mean," and then his hand rose to cup her cheek effectively cutting of her words, at the moment of his touch her body went electric as it always did when he touched her. Only this touch was different, she sensed it before it happened, felt the change coming and then it did.

He kissed her.

Warm and sure, his lips were as soft as she had imagined them, and yes she had spent miles on the treadmill thinking on just such a fact. By all accounts it was a chaste kiss, lasting only a few heartbeats, but long enough that she felt a tingle down into her toes.

"Wow," his smile was beaming and his voice was breathless. Still stunned, she watched him smile and beam and took pride in knowing that it was because of her, and then took matters into her own hands.  
  
Boy had she done just that. As bold and brash as she had ever been her hands had captured his face and she had indulged in one hell of a kiss. Yes, that afternoon was a memory that carried her, and she was relying on it now, indulging in the memory of Kyle even though it was a poor substitute for the feel of him. After that talk and the whole official naming of their relationship things had eased between them. The talks were lower and quieter, they were learning about each other with slow words and long silences. Their hands were never far from one another, she had not been sure how he would deal with her forever drifting her fingertips over any part of himwithin reach, until he had confessed one late night that he liked that she liked touching him.

Of course she liked it, loved it actually, the current between them was strong. Simple contact rejuvenated her. She was not even going to think how badly she was affected by the kisses they shared.

She wanted to do everything in her power not to think about the kisses. The thinking of them would lead to moments far more special and intimate and she wasn't sure she was ready to look at those yet. Honing in on the water below, she found the strongest current and drew it into herself, coating her spirit with the moving water, she let it sink in and push away everything else.

The water was why she had come here, that and this was the defining moment in her beginning with Kyle. When she had taken that dive off the cliff, she had not expected to survive, had spent those last few seconds in utter relief, that waking up far downstream, alive and cold, had been such a disappointment. The relief had vanished and in its place had returned the remorse. There were so many things she had regretted doing. Now that she had lived a part of a real life, knew now what all the fuss was about, and why Kyle had fought so hard for it, her guilt and shame had grown.

So she was back here, once again lost and, yes, she was in pain. There was guilt and remorse some anger the deep all-encompassing sadness oh yes and the ache. Yeah, it was just like old times. Only worse. Worse, because she had had him, had been able to face the day knowing that he was by her side, and now, now, all she had were the memories.

The first sob was unintentional, had slipped past her defenses, and echoed loudly around her. The second and third she let go eased the constriction in her chest, but not her heart. It would probably stay locked and twisted forever.

Wouldn't Lori love to see her now. Drowning in all of the 'strange' emotions that had taken two copies of Elle and a summer's worth of Cosmo to explain. But here it was, her heart was breaking, shattering and it hurt.

Kyle was the one who could make the ache go away, could make the pain stop, yes, Kyle could do that, but he wouldn't, couldn't, because he had almost died.

Kyle had almost died and it was all her fault.

* * *

Not his best plan, not by a long shot, but once he had heard the news he had reacted. There had not been time to evaluate, he had just found some clothes and slipped out of the hospital, everyone would be worried but he had only known one thing; he had to find Jessi.

It was Lori who had told him, had been the one to deliver the message. As calmly as he could, while being medicated and shocked, he had listened to Jessi break up with him; via Lori.

Lori had been a great sport about it, having not believed a word of the message she was delivering, and fairly confident that he wouldn't accept one word of it, and she had been right.

Of course Jessi had blamed herself, their attempt to break into a building that may have had information on some key members of Latnoc had been hastily put together, and their lack of research had led to unexpected guards and even more frightening weapons.

Jessi had broached the topic several times, and in that area she had the complete support of Foss, they should focus some of their energy on training with more conventional and yes more dangerous weapons.

Until now all of their training had been of their minds and bodies, and while they were superior, neither were realistic matches for a bad guy with a gun. As was evident by the hole in his shoulder from said bad guy and gun.

The incident three days ago was still blurry, he remembered getting into the shoddily secured building, that alone should have been a sign, and getting into the room where the supposed data was stored. A quick game of rock paper scissors the day before had put him on retrieval and Jessi on watch, he still thought she had cheated, but had smiled at the lock of her jaw and let it slide.

The computer system had been fairly complicated, it had taken a few extra minutes to break through the firewall, but no worries, he had told her, he got it. The files had just finished downloading onto his phone when they heard the footsteps, or she had, he noticed her sudden tension and tuned out to world around them. No sooner had he gotten a count of the footfalls, four, than the shouting began and the fight was on.

It had began and ended in a matter of moments.

He felt pain, sure and swift, burning through him, he remembered Jessi screaming, the sick sound of bones breaking and then he was falling.

Shot.

Through and through, Foss had told him he was lucky, his shoulder had been a mess, yes, but there was not going to be any permanent damage. It had been a bleeder though. Foss had told him howJessi had been covered in his blood, struggling to carry his dead weight out of harm's way, she had been soaked with it.

He couldn't imagine what it had been like for her. Worrying about him, feeling guilty, he knew that had it been her, well, he didn't want to think about that. There had been tense moments in the hospital. The Tragers and his friends had all gathered around, he had been rushed into surgery, to stop the bleeding he was told, and assess any further damage. Jessi had been there. Had not moved from the spot where they sat her, still covered in his blood, still muttering how it was her fault.

Those details had come from Andy, no one else had wanted to tell him how bad she had gotten, no one had the courage, but Andy had seen how much he needed to know, and he was grateful for it. Had whispered his thanks in the recovery room before succumbing to the drugs they had given him for the pain.

Drugs he was wishing he had more of. It was true that he was more than human, but he could still hurt, and his shoulder was protesting quite loudly the trek through the forest. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered except getting to Jessi.

Covertly checking out all the usual places had not been easy, and he had wasted far too much time looking in all the obvious places, until realizing that he should have been looking in the not so obvious places all along. Not once since he had come to had he considered anything to be Jessi's fault. Not once had he blamed her for running once she knew for certain he would be OK. Nicole had told him how tenderly she had held his hand, whispering her apologies, uncaring that anyone could be watching her cry.

All he could feel was the breaking of his heart, the growing ache in his chest the longer the time passed that they were apart, it was no one's fault, Latnoc's for sure, but not hers.

He could hear the water now, could feel the vibrations under his feet and knowing he was close gave his steps an extra incentive to get there. To get to her.

Sunlight filtered strangely here, shaded in from the trees and leaves, the world around him was in a state of perpetual twilight. He should have known she would come here. The memories, the water, it would soothe as much as it hurt. The memories and reality would be crashing around inside. They were so much alike.

The light was changing ahead of him, more defined, he slowed his steps, knowing she was probably already aware of him, could already be on the move, he hoped she wouldn't run, but it didn't matter, he would follow.

And then he was there. At the edge of the treeline, a quick scan to his right revealed nothing, his heart began to triple beat, she was there, she had to be. To his left he noticed nothing either. Taking a step closer he took a better look to his left, yes, just there, a figure was huddled, knees drawn in close, arms wrapped tightly around their legs, head buried in their arms, up on top of a boulder.

Jessi.

Everything in him reached out for her.

He wanted to run to her. To shake her for leaving. To hug her for caring. To make her swear never, ever to disappear again. But he did nothing. Simply stood there and stared.

"Jessi."

* * *

For a second she could swear her imagination had broken her, that she had wished so hard for Kyle to be there that she could actually hear his footsteps, could feel his heartbeat.

"Jessi."

That whisper was not in her imagination.

Her head whipped up, tears fell unchecked onto her wrists, there he was. Impossible, yes, but he was there all the same.

"Kyle."

He had gained five steps on her before she could react.

Scrambling to her feet, she put out a hand as if she could use the Force to stop his advance.

"Jessi."

In turn he reached his hand out to her. Reaching for her, rather than pushing away, the movement was not lost on her, but she couldn't deal with this. Not now.

"You need to leave."

Good, she at least sounded commanding, even if she didn't feel it. He stopped moving, so that was good, wasn't it.

"I'm not going anywhere."

She knew it was true, knew in her heart that he had come all this way for her, and while she wanted to run to him, she didn't.

"You should be in the hospital."

A sudden rush of guilt washed over her. She had run and he had followed, chasing after her when he should be resting. He must have seen something in her face,because he smiled at her, warm and reassuring.

"I"m fine. Got super special powers and all that."

There was a smile somewhere inside of her, but she couldn't reach it, he was here and joking and all she could see was the blood.

"There was so much blood."

In a flash the smile was gone, replaced with such a look tenderness her knees nearly buckled.

"I don't remember what happened to those guys, I killed one I know for sure, but the others, I think they ran. I asked Foss, but he just waved me off, told me not to worry about it. It was taken care of. I wonder what that means huh," she was rambling, her voice scratchy from crying, "I should have followed them you know, to make sure they were gone for real, but you were bleeding. You wouldn't answer me when I called out your name. Your rhythm was off, thicker and slower,accounting for the blood loss I'm sure, but it was so wrong."

The words faltered then as did her balance, her fall would have been hard and unchecked had he not been there to catch her. His arm wrapped tightly around her and she couldn't move, couldn't do anything but lean against him, the tears were falling again, seeping into his shirt.

On a hiccup, she turned her head, eyes unseeing as they stared out over the wide chasm, "I didn't hear them. I was there, I swear I was, but I was so focused on what I don't remember and then they were there. I think they came in off the elevator, the entrance was closer than we thought it would be, and I should have realized that. Should have accounted for possibly entry there," another sob ripped through her and she lost her words again.

"Jessi, Jessi, it's not your fault. It's not I swear. We were unprepared, went in blind and I'm fine," she heard his voice, felt the truth of them, but she didn't deserve them.

"I let you down Kyle, I let them hurt you, Oh God," and there it was, he was hurt, shot, because she wasn't good enough, wasn't fast enough, "I don't deserve you. Not you. Am a failure. Am lacking."

Each word was strained, far more of a whisper than the last, but if he heard them he didn't push away, didn't reprimand her for what she knew was the truth. If anything he pulled her in closer.

* * *

A part of him had been expecting this, had known that Jessi's sense of self worth was fragile, but confronted with it head on was still devastating. He was good at a lot of things, yes, but he wasn't sure if he wasequipped to handle this. Going with his gut, he pressed a kiss to the top of her hair, pulling her in as close as his one arm would let him.

"Every day for weeks you were there for me, do you remember that? Do you remember everything that I put you through? Some of it is lost on me. Lori tells me things, so does Declan, but I can't remember it clearly," her breathing had slowed, a good sign, "what I know for sure is that you never left me. Not for one second did I not have your total and complete support and love. I felt it then I know it now. I trust you Jessi, to watch my back, to protect my future, it's you that I want to face things with."

His lips pressed against her temple this time, her skin was warm, flushed from her emotions and it squeezed his heart, "You're my girl."

He gave her time, time to let his words sink in, he wanted to make everything better, to fix the broken pieces in her heart. Nicole had told him that it would happen in time, that what had been done to Jessi, the pain those around her had inflicted would take time to heal, that he had to be strong and supportive and that with understanding and encouragement she would heal.

It was hard waiting. Hard knowing that someone you cared so much about needed something they could only give themselves.

But he couldn't just do nothing, so he began to tell her about his day, all the places he had gone looking for her. interjecting anecdotes when he mentioned a particularly off the wall location. The bench where they had sat and argued the possibility of the type of time travel used in the Terminator movies. The beach where she had discovered how ticklish he was. The window outside the tattoo parlor where they had laughed over the improbability of them ever getting matching belly button rings.

They stayed like that for an hour or so. His shoulder was stiff, his bandages more than likely needed changing, but he wasn't moving, not until she was ready.

"I'm sorry."

It was the first time she had spoken since her last outburst.

"I shouldn't have left you. I shouldn't have run away," he agreed sully, on both, counts, but this was her moment, not his.

"It was dumb, but I was scared. Really, really scared," she sat up then, he took her hand quickly, lacing their fingers before she could pull fully away.

"I wasn't sure you were going to want to see me, and then I was afraid you were," his mouth opened, then snapped shut as she looked up finally, their eyes meeting.

"You really still want me?" the question was as surprising to him as it was difficult for her, "even after everything that happened. Even after knowing that I'm not perfect."

She almost choked on the words. He almost choked on the shock of it. But this was a moment. A break through and he needed to not mess up.

"You are perfect for me and that's all that matters. That's all I want. You. I want you."

The light in her eyes, dim and guarded since he had found her, brightened incrementally as his words registered. Before she could argue further, his lips found hers. Kissing Jessi was never just kissing. His body reacted in full, his head filled with her thoughts, their heart beats drummed together, and he got lost.

"Kyle," she had pulled away far enough to speak and breathe but he wasn't ready to let her go. Their lips met again, clashing, soothing, his body was on fire, this time though it felt so so good.

His next kiss was again at her temple, then at the soft bit of skin under her ear, "Don't ever leave me again Jessi, not ever. Promise me."

Her arms had wrapped around his neck, pulling him in close, he felt her kisses on his cheeks, his closed eyes, "I promise, Kyle. I promise."

And he trusted that, trusted her words, and knew in his heart that they would be OK.

"We should get back, your shoulder," before she could protest he kissed her again, adjusting their seating arrangement until the throb was more of an ache, she gave up the protest and sat back against his chest between his outstretched legs.

"Let's stay. I want to watch the stars come out with you."

She didn't speak, simply nodded in agreement, her palm reaching up to cup his cheek, he turned slightly to kiss her palm. She was crying again, but these were different tears, calming ones, the rhythm of her heart was steady and was falling in beside his.

He had found her. Things may not go any easier after this. There were still enemies to fight and a life to be lived but he had his Jessi and for sure together they could face anything.


	5. Chapter 5

So I know its been a while since I've updated and I'm sorry for that. I hope to be more regular with my updates in the future. So this chapter came from absolutely nowhere but I am really, really happy with it even if I pretty much despise the character that I wrote it for. I never beg for reviews but in this case I am because I really want to hear your thoughts on how this turned out. So please let me know! :)

* * *

Coming back had not been the best idea. Her Mother had raged against it, for hours, days, but finally, for once she had held firm.

The need to see Kyle again had been nagging at her for the past several months. To make amends, perhaps, but if she were truly honest with herself, and she had been trying to be as honest with herself and everyone in her life, it was curiosity.

She wanted to see Kyle again. After she had left there had been a complete severing of ties. No Kyle, no Lori, nothing from her own life. That had been her Mother's absolute and she had not protested. The shock of the kidnapping, the fear and uncertainty she had needed time away, to process, to heal.

But now she wanted to see if his smile was as dazzling as she remembered it being. After all lots of boys in New York were smiling at her these days but none of them gave her the zing she had had with Kyle.

Maybe that was it. Maybe it was her new fear that she had let go, pushed away, the one person in the world that could make her heart race.

So she had make the journey, nervous and terrified, Washington was so very different than New York. The change in landscape was a distraction, one she clung to, she recalled moments and events that happened there or here as the world slipped by outside the window of the cab.

Her mind was filled with what ifs, what if she had stayed, what if he had followed, what if he wanted her back, what if he didn't?

There were no answers to any of them, she was as uncertain as to her purpose in coming as she was in what might she might be heading towards.

All too soon there was the familiar architecture before her. Those houses, those two buildings that had held everything she had ever cared about standing before her.

There were unfamiliar cars in both of the driveways. Mom had told her that the house had been sold, for a decent profit, the neighborhood it seemed was in high demand. Looking at her old home, where her Father had last lived, was too much, her eyes slid over to the Trager's.

At once the burn of longing welled up in her throat. How she had loved slipping into their lives. Mom and Dad and Brother and Sister, they were everything she had ever wanted. No lonely dinners of leftovers because Mom had drunk too much wine.

There was love and laughter in that house and she missed that.

Missed them, missed him. Kyle. She could see it now. Walking up to the door and ringing the bell. He would know it was her before anyone else did, he always knew when she was close. It had made her feel special once, had disturbed her there at the end, but now, now she missed that extra special feeling.

So if she was all kinds of certain as to how it would unfold why then was she standing across the street, overnight bag clutched tightly between her hands.

Why was there sweat spilling down her temple and disappearing into her hair.

Because she had been gone for months, she had not called or written, had in fact broken his heart the last time she had seen him, such was the hold she had held. She knew what she had done, had been doing, and she wished it wasn't so. She had wished over and over that she could take the words back, simply erase the broken look in his eyes the last time she had looked into them.

That look had haunted her. Slipped into her dreams and made her face what she had done, what she had given up. Over and over she had tried to convince herself that she could call, could write, and could make amends.

Not once.

Not a word.

Nothing; she was a coward.

"Amanda."

Startled, she took a step back, eyes cutting quickly to her left.

"God, Lori you scared me."

The older girl looked good, her hair was shorter, darker, and she envied her again the maturity that radiated from her. No one mistook Lori Trager as a meek little girl.

"What are you doing here?"

The disdain littering the question from her right made her flinch.

"Andy, hi," she hated that she stuttered, but there was no helping it. She didn't do well in confrontations.

"Well," clearly she was supposed to answer, to justify herself, but how could she when she didn't even know why she was here.

"So let me guess, you finally realized the mistake you made in letting Kyle go and you decided to pop back after six months of nothing, and what hope to smile and make it all better."

Her jaw dropped, literally; apparently Lori knew exactly what she was doing here.

Andy snorted and moved next to Lori. Side by side they stood, blocking her view of the house, with arms crossed, she wasn't sure if she could manage going through them both if it came to it.

She was really, really bad at confrontations.

They were looking at her, appraising her, and she felt the blush creep up her neck. She shouldn't have come here. She didn't know them any more, didn't know why Lori had a scar on her neck; it had not been there when she left. Their lives had moved on without her.

The realization hurt, her breath fled her, her stomach twisted. She had given up. Even after Kyle hadn't after he had done anything and everything to save her, she had simply given up on him and them and everyone.

Of course they didn't want her here.

"I shouldn't have come," she looked from Lori to Andy, "this was a mistake."

Neither girl flinched at her pain; neither even batted an eye at her obvious discomfort. Whatever had happened in the time she had been away it had changed them; made them tougher, and much more adept at confrontations.

"Oh, but you are here now, you should at least come in and say hi," Lori's voice was saccharine sweet; it made her molars ache and her scalp tingle.

"Um," but Andy had already taken her bag, leaving Lori to take her arm and pull her across the street.

"It'll be great, maybe we'll have a great big reunion party," Andy was nodding eagerly at Lori's suggestion and she barely had a chance to take a gulp of air before they were at the door and inside the house.

A wave of nostalgia hit her so hard she stumbled. Not much had changed. The sofa looked new to her right and the art to her left in the dining room was different, but it was still so very familiar, she couldn't help but smile.

Maybe everything would be OK.

"You wait right here," Lori and Andy shared a look, one that gave her goose bumps, and each patted her arm before taking off down the hall, arm in arm.

In other time, another life, she would have wandered in, found out what new game Josh was playing, or what was on the menu for dinner. Not this time, this time, her feet were rooted firmly in place.

At once she heard a crash from deep in the house, if she remembered correctly it sounded like it had come from Kyle's room. Self-preservation outweighed her concern, it usually did in her case, and she stayed put.

The amount of time they had been gone was becoming uncomfortable. She considered simply ducking out, she could into town and see about a cab to the airport, maybe catch the red eye back to New York.

"Amanda."

For a moment she didn't recognize the voice, so absorbed had she been in her thoughts and the floor between her feet she simply didn't comprehend its owner. And then she looked up and her heart swelled.

"Kyle."

He looked amazing, better than she remembered. She had no pictures of him, nothing to really remember him by, but the images she had conjured in her head were nothing compared to the reality of him.

His hair was a little shorted, he looked leaner around the hips, and there were clearly defined muscles under the tight blue shirt in his arms and shoulders that hadn't been there when she had left. Kyle was still the devastatingly handsome.

And still so far away.

She took an uncertain step forward.

Where were the running and the hugging and the tears and maybe kisses?

"Wha-"

A new face appeared, just over his shoulder and to the right, a face she wished she could forget. Jessi. Of course she would be here. Why hadn't she thought of that before? Jessi had told everyone she was leaving with Sarah, off making a new life with her; it seemed she hadn't gone through with it.

There was a new haircut, Lori's influence most likely, the hint of makeup on her eyes and lips, and she was reminded that Jessi was very much a girl.

A girl that had her hand on Kyle's left arm.

And when exactly had they become so touchy feely? And why was Kyle still over there and not here, with her?

"It's good to see you again."

His eyes told her something completely different, a difference Jessi caught right away, her eyes slid over to the back of his head and her head tilted as though she were considering his words very carefully.

Jessi had realized what she had thought would never happen; Kyle was lying, to her. The implication of such a thought rocked her world and she took an unsteady step back.

Kyle was lying about seeing her again. God, he didn't want her here.

The three of them stood there, like some twisted show down. The dark haired beautiful people on one side of the room and the mousy blonde on the other; and she wanted to be anywhere else.

"Why are you here?"

And he was looking at her again, his own head tilted in such a way as to be considering her very carefully, and she wondered if either he or Jessi knew they shared the trait.

But he had asked her a question. Wanted an answer she had no possibility of giving.

"She wanted to see you. Wanted to see if you were still in love with her, and wanted her back. For everything to go back to the way they were."

At Jessi's words, too blunt and too true, her eyebrows rose. There was such raw fear in them she wanted to reach out and comfort the girl she had once so despised.

Kyle beat her too it. In a flash he had turned, had wrapped his arms so totally around Jessi that there was no clear definition where one ended and the other began.

She couldn't understand the low murmurs he was speaking; they were pressed intimately, far too intimately into Jessi's hair, but she they were speaking loudly in so many other ways.

Jessi was clinging to the back of his shirt, her face buried in Kyle's neck and he had turned giving her a clear picture of his back and the protective bunch of his muscles.

He was protecting Jessi from the pain of having her here, "You never should have come back."

The pain at his words simply did not register; she pushed his words and their implications aside, there was no way she could process that information now.

"Oh my God," her hands flew to her face, another revelation she could not push aside and ignore; they were far too comfortable being so closely pressed together to have not done it a very many times before.

They were together, together-together, and as if she needed further proof, Kyle pulled back just enough to cup Jessi's face between his palms and press reassuring kisses to her tear stained face.

Once upon a time he might have done that to her.

It might have been her standing there now.

When the kisses turned into something more, when the words that had been unintelligible were ringing clearer, 'love you,' 'in the past,' 'only you'; her feet could not carry her out of the house fast enough.

Stumbling out the front door and onto the porch she gasped, they were in love, Kyle and Jessi, Jessi and Kyle; they were a couple. The pain cut swiftly and surely through her. In all of wildest imaginings of how their reunion might go she had never once considered that he might be with someone else.

That he might have moved on. Kyle had been so sure, so constant in his affection for her. Had she really thought that he might still harbor those feeling for her after she had so carelessly tossed them back at him?

Judging by the falling tears, and her breaking heart, she had thought exactly that. She had assumed that he would be here, heart breaking, pining away after her.

"You need a ride?"

Blinking back tears, her hand covering her mouth lest the hastily consumed airport meal come back up, she nodded at Declan. Escaping into the SUV her bag stuffed under her feet her first deep breath came when the house, houses, were no longer in sight.

On the way to the airport, the first and only words she had spoken, Declan had filled her in on the life and lives of those she had left behind.

She was certain there was more, much more, that he left out, most concerning her former captors and the others responsible for the pain in Kyle's life.

No, what she learned was about the pain and sacrifices made during her kidnapping; and the subsequent fallout after the second disappearance. She had a made a tremendous impact on the lives of the people here, but then she had abandoned them and they had healed the wounds beyond her memory. There was no place for her here anymore, Declan was nice about it, but crystal clear on the subject; their pieces fit and it was without her.

Perhaps saying it over and over would make it more real; at least it would be a distraction to the images replaying in her mind. Of too beautiful people in pain and in comfort, finding both in each other, together; Kyle and Jessi were together.

Declan dropped her at the appropriate terminal, did not wish her a good flight, did not stay to see her safely through the doors. No, she had not heard a fraction of what they had endured after she left, had no idea what could have made them so hard, so bonded.

The two hour wait for the next flight that were at least get her on the Easter Seaboard was tortuous. Sitting at the gate, replaying every moment, every look, every word; she could think of nothing else.

Worse still was hearing Kyle's pained voice uttering those heart wrenching words, a confirmation of what she herself now knew; that she shouldn't have come here.

When the cheerful voice announced her boarding time had arrived she stood with a heavy heart, each step towards the gate physically hurt. The idea was there, settling over her molars, but she couldn't force them into her reality. Not yet, there was still time.

If her hands were shaking as they handed over her boarding pass the attendant took no notice. She was just another weary passenger.

There were only a few steps left, not many at all between her and the point of no return. The ramp heading to the plane was a dull grey meant to be soothing was almost blinding to her unfocused eyes.

"Miss, miss," there was urgency and annoyance in the man's voice behind her, she was holding up the line.

Shuffling ahead, she took the last steps unsteadily; the edges of her vision were blurring, reality had crashed in on her and she stumbled down the ramp ignoring the remarks on her fear of flying. She was here; boarding, flying away and he had not come for her.

Kyle had not rushed to the airport and thought his way through security and begged her to stay.

The plane was in the air safely coasting to its necessary altitude when the first tears fell. She had let the very best thing in her life slip away. He didn't want her, had moved on, and there was no one to blame but herself. All the time she had been smiling and laughing with new friends at the Conservatory he had been sifting through grief and learning to live again.

Learning to live again with _her._

As the captain announced their speed and current weather conditions and wished their stay in Washington had been pleasant and they would return soon; she laughed.

Return? Never; she never should have left in the first place and now it was too late to do anything but wish for things to be different, because he didn't want her anymore.

If she was someone else, someone stronger she might have stayed and fought and explained and pleaded. People in most circumstances would have done anything to get back the best thing to ever happen to them.

But she wasn't strong and she didn't do confrontations well.


	6. Chapter 6

So I admit that I am loving the direction the new season is taking! And I am humbled by the response this story continues to get; thank you all so much. The writing on the actual show is incredible they address and talk about issues that are real to people today and I totally admit that Josh's struggles in S3E2 inspired this chapter. I hope you all like it and that it flows with the people involved I had a lot of fun writing it.

Thanks-

~Sara

* * *

Jessi was keeping something from him; something potentially big. A thought or idea or concern that had driven her behind locked doors with Nicole and late night walks with Lori.

Josh had started cutting eyes at Declan when he walked in the room, so he was pretty sure they knew something too; it should have made him mad, but he didn't think anyone had told them anything, they had just caught on.

Sadly he had yet too.

Something was going on with his girlfriend and he had no idea where to even start. Frustrated he had taken off for an afternoon workout that would have pleased even Foss' impossible standards and found him self wandering downtown afterward; a sweaty mess but he needed the crowd.

The crush of bodies, of thoughts, and worries and heat, kept his own thoughts off his troubles.

"Kyle?" a hand grabbed his arm and his feet stopped automatically, "it is you."

"Hillary, hi," he tried to make the greeting sincere, she hadn't bought it though. Her hand fell away and her eyebrow rose.

"Huh, woman problems," it was a statement not a question and his own eyebrows rose.

"That's right, how did you know?" she laughed.

"Honey I would know that dazed look anywhere, and let me tell you on you it's something to behold," she laughed at her own words and he smiled, sort of.

"Um-"she held up her hand.

"No, no, let me guess, Jessi is still being all weird even after everything we discussed the other night and you are wandering around here all confused and you know not coming up with the old stand-by solution of just asking what's wrong and hoping that a sweaty work out will help?"

It was the most she had ever said directly to him and he found him self a little lost by the words but nodded anyway. And wait Jessi had talked to Hillary? He was so confused.

"Oh, well, I don't have anything planned for the afternoon," she waved at a coffee shop down the block, "buy me a latte and I will educate you in the inner workings of the female mind."

Now that was something he definitely needed insight into.

"OK," he smiled, his first real smile in days, she looked taken back by it, her cheeks pinked.

"Right, well, I should warn you that the things you are going to learn, it's not easy stuff," really, well he was pretty sure he could handle it.

"Now don't look at me like that, you might be a genius and all, but girls are complicated and illogical and emotional and going into their thoughts it's like walking through a maze, blindfolded and in the rain."

He liked the image; he could appreciate the gravity of the situation better that way.

"Well either way I want to know what's going on," she considered him, gave him the once over and nodded.

"OK, but consider your self warned."

* * *

If he had been dazed before knowing, the insight had left him stunned; Hillary had been concerned, had called Declan to come pick him up. He remembered muttering a thanks to Hillary and watching a slightly weird interaction between her and Declan, but the drive home was viewed in the abstract.

Jessi wanted more from him, oh she was all kinds of happy accordingly to Hillary with the emotional aspect of their relationship; no, it was the physical part that she wanted to explore.

Apparently the light kissing and hugging and hand holding was leading to stronger needs, stronger desires, and she had needed to figure some things out. Hillary had thought he might need to figure some stuff out too which was why she had taken pity on him; at least that was how she put it.

"Do you think I'm insane not to have considered it before," after the ride home and Declan had parked in front of the house neither had made a move to leave the truck.

Declan smiled, "No, I guess I just figured you'd get around to it," that sounded a lot like him and he wasn't sure that was a good thing.

"You know there has been a lot going on lately," that was true, "not to mention in reality you're only like what four?"

That earned a chuckle, but still, he should have put it together, "maybe, but it's just wrong somehow."

There were no easy answers, "you know in middle school I was all about sports. Like twenty four seven," he could picture a younger Declan with a ball never far from his hand, "but a bunch of the girls in my grade, girls who used to be all about hanging out, started changing."

Curious he turned in his seat, "there was the make-up and the hair stuff and the clothes; they dressed neater and shorter and a lot of them just started acting different."

He had missed out on so much, so had Jessi, locked away as they were, they were continually catching up. And something dawned on him; something that he felt Declan was trying to get across.

"Girls I guess just get it faster that we do," he looked over and shrugged, "you know _get it_."

"Oh," he considered his words, and their implications, "OH!"

"Go home, think it through, I'm not even going to talk you out of it," they shared a laugh, "but take a second to just close your eyes and imagine."

Imagine, he was confused, "imagine what?"

Declan considered his words, thumbs tapping anxiously on the steering wheel.

"Think about next summer, about taking a trip to a beach, any beach. Picture yourself there and then Jessi is there wearing that hot ass two piece from the second Lara Croft movie that Josh made us watch and just, you know, be creative."

Homework, he loved homework, grinning, he thanked Declan for the idea and the advice and promised to let him know how it all worked out.

* * *

He hadn't let his room all day.

Not for breakfast.

Not for lunch.

He had asked for privacy and everyone had been kind enough to give it to him.

Even Jessi; he had texted her first thing to let her know that he was OK, but he was thinking through some stuff.

She had called him, just to be sure there was as much honesty in his voice as in his words and had laughed at his suggestion that she watch the Lara Croft movies.

His blush hadn't left him for an hour. Talking to her had been bad, seeing in her person was going to be an exercise in self control; and he didn't want to even consider the touching.

To say he got it now was an understatement. In hindsight every awkward moment in the past month made complete sense. He wanted to touch her, kiss her, to know and understand this new ache in his chest, but he was alternately afraid.

What if they made a mistake? What if they did something wrong?

What if and maybe cycled over and over in his head?

"Hey," he jumped, literally, he twisted in the tub, heart pounding.

"Jessi," God she had scared him. His eyes flicked to the clock on his desk; it was late, very late.

"It's not technically today anymore and I wanted to see you," she was standing at his window, had yet to come in, "I hope its OK."

Speak, now, "Of course, come in," he rose and moved to help her in automatically, the second his hand met hers he froze, the electric charge between them had always been there, but now its effect settled somewhere new.

"Thanks," her cheeks were red and he wondered if she felt it too.

Suddenly he had a million questions for her and was glad she hadn't stayed away.

"I'm glad you're here," he pulled her into a hug, "really," he buried his face in her neck, listened to her relieved sigh and finally felt her arms wrap around him like she meant it.

"I want to talk," he pulled back, saw the look of concern in her eyes, "it's OK, I mean it's a good talk, I have like a ton of questions, and you, Jessi, are the only person I want to ask them about."

She heard his words, he knew she had, but it took her time to register what he was saying, what he was trying to tell her.

And then comprehension came, her eyes lit up and she gave him that smile, the one that made his chest tighten, "really?"

He nodded, more than a little afraid, but a whole lot of excited about what was coming, "really."

She took his hand and he helped her step into the tub and took the seat across from her. The talk was probably going to be awkward and at times a little uncomfortable, but he wanted to have it, wanted to know what she was thinking and feeling and have a chance to share his own doubts and concerns.

But first one of them had to speak; he took a deep breath, "so I ran into Hillary yesterday…"

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

So this is it folks. I feel I've gone where I wanted with this arc and I want to thank you all for your encouragement and enthusiasm. I am still eager and active in the Kessi fandom so please check out my other stories.

* * *

The transition from teenager to adult was not at all what he thought it was going to be. One morning he woke up and technically, legally, he was an adult; but in his head and his heart nothing felt different.

"Good morning birthday boy."

From the door Nicole stood with a tray stacked high with pancakes.

"Good morning."

He smiled from his desk and stood. There had been little sleep for him last night; unexpected nerves had kept him up.

"I thought you might like something a little special this morning."

Standing he took the breakfast tray and set it lightly on his desk. Nicole pulled over another chair and patted the chair next to her.

"I know there are lots of plans for your special day, but I wanted this time just for us."

Grinning, feeling better than he had since the sun had risen, he took the seat and dug into the plate Nicole set before him.

They chatted over their meal, sharing their favorite memories and silly moments.

"I can't believe you're eighteen."

There were tears in Nicole's eyes, "what's wrong?"

Birthdays were a rite of passage, one that marked growth and change, but he had never thought that they could be sad.

Nicole waved her hand, giving him a watery smile, he handed her the unused napkin that still sat on the tray.

"It's nothing, really, I'm a Mom and you're growing older, and I am allowed to be emotional."

Understanding, he leaned to his left and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, this was another thing he had discovered; people, women in particular, got sentimental about the funniest things.

"So what big plans do you have today?"

The house was beginning to wake up, the stomping feet and shouts trickled down into his room, "I'm not sure, Jessi and Lori were pretty tight lipped about things."

"Well I'm sure that whatever goes on it'll be a special day for you."

A special day, that's what birthdays were, a person's one day a year that they can be special. Given that he was told frequently that he was special, he didn't feel all that special.

"Hey," turning he saw Jessi, standing in the doorway, her birthday had been last week. They had laughed about that. The documents that had been procured for them had assigned them birthdays days apart. The dates of their actual birthdays were lost somewhere under ground. Whether it was the conception or their first moments outside the pods, it didn't matter; it was not going to define who they were.

So they had looked at their Washington state ID's and agreed that the randomly generated numbers would be their own.

It was right that they had decided together.

They decided lots of things together.

"You ready?"

She could have been asking about today or tomorrow or that date next month that was circled three times on his wall calendar.

"I am."

He moved closer towards her, taking her hands, he pulled her in. Jessi had been hesitant around him since the unfortunate appearance of Amanda. She was getting better, had confessed that she was afraid he might realize he was with her and not with _her_ and disappear.

Pushing him away had been a reflex, a defense, and it had been a struggle between them to overcome it; but there was no doubt in his mind that they would.

"It's my birthday," she grinned at him, rolling her eyes; he pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her waist. Her hands slid up his chest and stilled over his collar bones.

"I remembered," she smelled like chocolate and crayons; it drove him nuts.

"Where's my present?" the mood was changing between them, thankfully he had closed the door after he had pulled her inside.

Picking up on the vibe her head tilted, he caught sight of her tongue peeking out to wet her bottom lip.

Groaning, her eyes grew wide at the note, he mumbled something that he wasn't even to sure of and closed the distance between them.

Kissing Jessi was like the sweetest gum drop and the sourest patched kid rolled into one; and he was addicted to them.

They stumbled awkwardly across the room his legs bumping against his tub and down they went in a heap of lips –his- and giggles –hers-.

Settling, he opened his eyes to see Jessi brushing her hair out of her eyes, her smile was bright and she caught on the moment he did. She was straddling him, in his tub; her purple top had bunched forward revealing the black scoop her bra.

Her eyes widened as she registered his reaction; he couldn't help it, didn't want to, she was so beautiful and so his. His right hand cupped her cheek pulling her down for a kiss as his left hand cupped her breast; Jessi gasped and her jolt rocked her hips just so and he groaned against her lips.

They stilled, eyes intent on one another, he hoped, considered, wondered, and was she granted him mercy; rocking her hips experimentally drawing another moan from him, "Jessi."

Her smile, shy and unsure, undid him. His lips found hers his hands found fabric and skin and he followed the pretty pleas from her lips; his hips bucking up and hers rode down.

Unexpected and desperate they crashed against one another, messy and rushed, he tasted her neck, and she scratched his scalp and they moved and moved and she got there first.

"Kyle," he had never heard his name like _that_ and it made his teeth clench and he pressed a rough kiss to the hollow of her throat as she sent her eyes up to the ceiling and sought an anchor in his biceps.

Eager to know, to understand, he rushed after her, moving faster, eager to find the answer too, he didn't like being left behind. There, hovering there on the edge he could see it, taste it, reached for it. Her lips pressed against his temple and whispered encouragement to him and he finally, finally got it.

"Jessi," her name drawled out off his tongue longer than it was ever meant to, and he wanted to scream to yell, but there were no words, nothing but the wonderful answer.

Collapsing back into the tub, she followed, her arms wrapped around him. He pressed a kiss into her hair and she felt him smile against his neck mumbling something about how she was supposed to give him a present and not the other way around. He laughed. How could she not know that she was the best present he could ever hope for?

Summer was coming, their summer, they had decided that they would hit the road. Get in the car and just drive and explore and go places and take pictures and simply steal three months before the leaves changed and they had to find their lives again. They were going to find themselves and each other and maybe then he would be able to convince her that she was everything because even as he whispered them to her now, he felt her tears on his skin and knew there was a part of her that hadn't healed that wasn't ready yet to know what he was certain of.

He loved her; in the big fairy tale way, as much as he did in the mundane every day do the laundry kind of way; and would forever.

Whispered the thought to her, he liked hearing it aloud, he smiled when she said it back, choking out the words between sobs; she loved him.

"Hey guys! Come on we have surprises to reveal," Lori pounded on the door.

They laughed separating and doing their best to put themselves back together, both would have to slip into the bathroom at some point, it would be awkward and they would blush, but he didn't care.

"You know," Jessi had made her recovery faster, and he frowned at why that was exactly, her hand gripping the door knob, "I'm pretty sure there is a present I'm going to need help with later."

Help? She looked over her shoulder, the smile she gave him was confident and radiant, and the one he only wanted to see on her, "What kind of help?"

His struggled with the words and she laughed, "The hands on kind. Unwrapping can be real tricky," she was flirting with him and teasing him and promising-

Before he could reply she was out the door and out of sight. Rolling the insinuation over in his head, he grinned.

Best birthday ever.


End file.
